Monday, June 23, 2008

The Arm Rest

I went to a party recently, and I met a female by the Chex-mix bowl. I dug into the bowl and ate the wonderful snack while discarding the pretzels. The thin brunette was wearing casual clothes and drinking liquid from a plastic red cup.

“What time is it?” she asked.

“1:30,” I said.

After about five minutes of that dialogue going back and forth, I decided to change the subject.

“Isn’t it crazy how Ronald Reagan punked Walter Mondale in the 1984 election?” I said.

“Oh my god, I know, right? It reminds me of the time Ashton Kutcher punk’d The Rock,” she said.

“I don’t think I saw that episode. What happened?” I asked.

“The Rock was on set for the movie Be Cool and Ashton totally blew up The Rock’s trailer freaking The Rock out big time,” she said.

“You’d think the celebrities would be on to it by now. I mean, how often do trailers really blow up?” I said.

“That’s true. Gees, what horrible song is this?”

“Pat Boone. I can’t believe they’re playing Pat Boone. That’s about 50 years too late. Give me Duran Duran. Something,” I said.

“Gold Digger,” she said.

“What?” I asked.

“I want to hear Kanye West Gold Digger,” she said.

“Alright, I’ll see what I can do,” I said.

I went to the CD player and noticed a CD wallet. I flipped through the CDs and found the Kanye West CD. I inserted the CD into the stereo and played Kanye West. I walked back to, ummm, what’s her name?

“Hey, so what’s your name?” I asked.

“Blossom,” she said.

“Really,” I said.

“Yeah,” she said.

“That must have sucked growing up,” I said.

“Yeah. The Joey Lawrence jokes were really bad,” she said.

“Well, at least he’s an obscure reference today. Regardless, I’ll spare you the ‘whoa!’ anyway,” I said.

“Thanks. Guys think they are original when they should that out,” she said.

“Sometimes we’re not that creative. It’s true. I’m Ryan, by the way,” I said.

“Hello Ryan,” she said.

“This might not be the most original idea ever but how about we see the Nacho Libre at the movie theatre,” I said.

“That’s out on DVD,” she said.

“It is, but there is this one movie theatre that plays Nacho Libre nonstop. I’ve always wanted to check it out,” I said.

“Okay, that sounds good. Let me see your phone so I can put my number in it. You can call me tomorrow,” she said.

“Yeah, definitely,” I said.

Moments later the cops knocked on the door. The neighbors complained because we played Kanye West too loud. Why weren’t there complaints when we played Pat Boone?

The next day I called her.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Nothing much. I’m just looking at pictures of Tom and Katie’s kid,” she said.

“That kid could be either the best looking kid in the world or the ugliest kid in the world. Really, there is no middle,” I said.

“There’s an article in here about Brad and Angelina. I still can’t believe Brad left Jennifer,” she said.

“Oh, I can,” I said.

“What?” she asked.

“Cannn not. Jennifer is beautiful, bold, funny, and charming. Angelina. What? Gone in 60 Seconds. Come on. Give me something more,” I said.

“Yeah, exactly. She used to be with Billy Bob. Brad is the hottest man in the world and he is getting Billy Bob’s leftovers,” she said.

“Well, that’s better than when Nicolas Cage married Lisa Marie Presley. He was getting Michael Jackson’s leftovers,” I said.

“Ick, that mustache on Bruce Willis has got to go,” she said.

“Yeah, not the best fashion choice. But hey, so we’re on for tonight, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, I was thinking around eight would work for me,” she said.

“That’s fine. I’ll pick you up then,” I said.

“Okay, see you then,” she said.

I went over to my friend’s house for advice.

“So I got this date with this girl I met last night. We’re watching Nacho Libre at that one movie theatre. So when we’re sitting
down, should I place my hand on her knee or around her shoulder,” I said.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“You know, how do I approach the movie theatre date,” I said.

“I wouldn’t worry about all that. You just have to make sure the armrest is up,” he said.

That night, I picked up my date, got tickets, and entered the theater. We sat down in the semi-reclining chair. Every time I reclined back, the chair moved me forward.

Her arm consumed the armrest, and I was going crazy trying to figure out how I could lift the armrest up. Then it hit me.

“Hey, can you get some snacks if I give you some money?” I asked.

“Sure, what do you want?” she asked.

“Chex mix? Dunkaroos? Those giant, chewable Sweetarts? I don’t know. What do they have?” I asked.

“Um, popcorn,” she said.

“Okay, that works. And get a drink too please,” I said.

She left to go purchase the popcorn and soda, and I swiftly moved the armrest up. Then I moved it back down. I did not know what to do. I thought she would think it was weird that suddenly the armrest was up after she left. Maybe she wanted the armrest up. I don’t know. I just wanted to watch the movie from the director of Napolean Dynamite, the writer of School of Rock and the cinematographer of Ghost Dad.

I saw her walking up the stairs, and I quickly moved the armrest back up. I almost expected Roger Waters to perform a celebratory concert of the union of the two movie theatre seats.

She handed me the bag of popcorn and sat down. She moved the armrest down, placed the soda cup in the armrest cup holder, and we watched the movie.

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