There Will Not Be The Benefactor Season Two

Doesn't seem like good times for Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. First, he was denied by the Cubs. Now he's being accused of insider trading. Apparently, he saved $750,000 in this deal. Of course, he could have saved millions if he never made this trade last year. But hey, at least he doesn't have to embarrass himself with this.

The Day the Clown Cried

The title is a tribute to the great Jerry Lewis. When I took improv comedy classes and had the opportunity to perform on stage Tuesday nights on a team, most of my characters were wacky, quirky characters. I always appreciated Jerry Lewis and his nutty characters. That adjective was chosen specifically because of The Nutty Professor.

I don't write comedic essays that much, but I thought I'd post some of my favorite essays I have blogged.

I wrote The Arm Rest initially for the State Press during the summer of 2006. The State Press draft is considerably shorter, and the punked, punk'd joke always remains a personal favorite of mine.

I wrote Rock A Life for my magazine writing class. It is a collection of very short essays throughout my life to illustrate a theme. I'd have to reread my story to tell you the theme, but I know it was an important aspect to my life at the time.

I wrote 11:39 am I am sitting behind u because I used to wake up to random text messages from women I met the previous night. Good thing those days are behind me.

Three Sides of Comfort is based on my experience as a third wheel. The night was really boring and awkward, but it made for a great essay.

I combined two Las Vegas trips to write There's No Free Sex in Vegas for my travel story for my magazine writing class.

Writer's Cut for Behind The Wheel

My first feature story, Behind The Wheel is out in stores now. Pick up a copy of Arizona Foothills magazine. With writing, there's always going to be some interesting stuff that needs to be cut. I thought I'd share some of the anecdotes here.

Heyy pretty lady, like my ride?
Dustin Martin, Bell Captain for Mondrian said at his previous job, a guest took the rental Corvette after Dustin retrieved the car, and started revving the engine (like a douche bag) and took off and crashed into the median.

To the rescue!
Danny Bell, Door Captain for Ritz-Carlton said that one time a person stole a guest's briefcase. So a valet went after him and tackled the theif and retrieved the briefcase.

Why can I see through my car?
Peter Montgomery of American Valet once valeted a car at Arizona Mills mall. There was a big hole on the floor of the car, and he could see the road. To make matters more uncomfortable, the seat was missing a cushion so he felt every "nut, bolt and spring of the car."

Introducing Klee Irwin

Certainly I am not a fan of this type of humor, however, I find this to be the most amusing thing on television. It's a clip from the infomercial for Dual Action Cleanse starring Klee Irwin. Besides sporting a greasy mullet and a questionable mustache, you've got to imagine how awkward it is to chat with him in social settings.

Here is what Paul Lucas wrote on his review of the infomercial:

"An example of what goes on in this infomercial can be seen when they take the call of a man named Gary who says, "I just don't feel perfect…I feel like something is missing. Do you think this product could help me?"

To which Klee replies, "Gary, let me ask you a question: Do you have kids?"

"...Yes," Gary responds suspiciously.

Klee then asks the question on everyone's mind, "Are your bowel movements the same size and length as theirs are?"

"Absolutely not!" Gary says with conviction.

If this guy is going around measuring and weighing his kids' stools then perhaps he has more serious problems than the state of his colon."

I recommend reading the whole review and watching the clips on YouTube. Paul Lucas displays tremendous wit and really captured the sillyness of this infomercial.

Torre's Mistake

Before I criticize Los Angeles Dodgers manager Joe Torre, I will give him props for not playing the overpaid, overrated and washed-up players that general manager Ned Colletti has signed. Torre smartly played the young, productive and emerging stars.

That said, starting Derek Lowe for game 4 was a horrible decision. Check the box score. If you're only going to use Lowe for five innings, then what's the point? During one of the earlier games in the series, the FOX broadcasters interviewed him during the game, and he said that he was going to use Lowe in game four because then he could use him for game seven. What's the point in saving a pitcher for a game that may or may not exist? Did we not learn this last year when Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella pulled pitcher Carlos Zambrano out early after only six innings and 85 pitches to save him for a potential game four. The game four never came as the Arizona Diamondbacks shut the Cubs out in three games.

A John McCain Rally

These are John McCain's supporters:



Okay, so this clip doesn't represent all of McCain supporters, however, there are some people who think this way. In regards to that lady, you can't see her face, but you can see the hair. The Gene Wilder hair just reeks insanity. As for the guy, well, git r done I guess.

Red Sox Will Be In The World Series

Despite the Boston Red Sox currently down 8-6 against the Tampa Bay Rays, the Red Sox are projected to win it all. One key reason is that Jason Bay almost matched Manny Ramirez's production with the Red Sox.

The Red Sox would be locks to win it all if they had a healthy Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell. Mike Lowell's production this year has been slightly above average offensively. However, he is a far better hitter than this guy. With Josh Beckett not healthy, there's a great risk that the Red Sox will play this guy.